July 25, 2007

Spam poetry anyone?

naming love

March 7, 2007

What is this then? Star
and you told me about hold. Can you hold
star? No.
One day men will see wisdom in that.

So when you hold and – these are verbs, yes?
Good. And verb is a noun. Good. And
both verbs and nouns can be good?

I see. And when we –
I will show you with my good mime.
This is?
Ah, there will be many words for this.

And the thing that is best? Verb and noun?
I see. The word is soft sounding,
but I think we will still use silence.

endless projects:

March 1, 2007

I am building a house out of marshmallows to annoy arsonists.

I am attempting to resolve a much neglected question thrown up by archeological digs: why were the ancients so careless with their pottery? My theory is that because they all wore sandals, they were continually stubbing their toes and hence dropping whatever they were carrying.

I am planning to break the sound barrier using only pictures.

I am going to start a religion based on sneezing, since I realised that sneezes are the primary cause of blessings.

Lastly, I shall fuel a punk renaissance in the penguin community, as I feel that penguins are overly stuffy dressers.


That is a search engine request that someone used to get to my blog.

And this is exactly how I wish people to search for me. I am the leader of the mythical creatures pix. I am as fey as a boy can be. I said fey.

Hey, remember when that fairy in Midsummer Night’s Dream recognises Puck and goes on admiringly about all the really cool japes he plays on hardworking housewives and tailors? Well, is it just me, or are none of the jokes he plays on people actually funny?

The wisest aunt, telling the saddest tale,
Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me;
Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,’

So this well respected woman, wise woman even, is telling a sad story, the sort that lets us see ourselves reflected in the characters and speaks to our deeper nature, to our compassion, lets us know that we’re all the same underneath and it’s all about sharing and helping one another through life, and what does this ‘merry wanderer of the night’ do? He pretends to be a stool and then, rather creepily ‘slips down from her bum’ and she falls. Well, do you know what happens then, while that ‘shrewd and knavish idiot sprite’ is frollicking through cornfields and dangling from spider’s webs giggling, or whatever transparently affected prattery he goes through to celebrate, do you know what I think happens?

I think the wise aunt smiles wryly at the surrounding company, who barely bat an eyelid between them; she then pulls the real stool from under the occasional table and finishes her moving account of everyday folk struggling to live and remain human in the face of a demanding, sometimes even callous world.

Later, she sets snares.


coffee in smaller hours

February 28, 2007

And at this time I ask myself for the four hundred and fifty seventh time: is it too late to make myself a coffee?


p.s. I’ve put this post in ‘cheescake’, just because. Haha it gets into literature too. Not history. That would be almost disrespectful. Though it is about the history of my coffee drinking habit…

it’s going in history.

But some things are sacred; I draw the line here, just before – well I’ll show you:



‘We sponsored him fairly heavily. He said there’d be five, maybe six positive poems about cheese. There aren’t any poems about cheese.’

Representative of the Campaign For A Fair Deal For British Cheese

‘He gave us a workshop on self-expression. The man doesn’t know sh*t about self expression. He’s completely uptight.’

Andrew Gubbins, youth leader

‘I am interested in reading his latest poems, because I am an amnesiac.’

Ivor Gett

‘He doesn’t use enough words. Some of his poems have less than twenty words in them. Beowulf has thousands.’


‘Did he really call Ted Hughes a c**t?’

Andrew Motion

unfortunate guides

February 18, 2007

The Unfortunate Guide To World of Angry Pixies (the popular massively multiplayer roleplaying game)

Upon logging into the game, you will be greeted with a character choice screen; this is where you make the decisions that will affect the class, race and appearence of your character.

Good starting races include the l33telves and the p0wnrangers, both classes have robust ‘that’s gay’ taunt point allocations, though only the elves have the pointy ears that give a +4 bonus in the useful can opening skill. With equal opportunities in mind, Noscocialskillsoft has created the disabled class of wheelchairmage; these characters fulfill a Charlies Angel type roll in battle, handing out tactics to the other classes – not recomended for beginners (a beginner at mmorpg’s is generally someone who is very young or has at some point spoken to a girl).


Pixie Maestrom is a good one, though after the spell’s duration ends it is only polite to other gamers to pick the fragments of pixie bone and flesh from the gaming environment (often scattered over the tops of trees, under rocks, in other players’ hair) before you resume your questing. Chavgoblinstealth is another stalwart spell, though it may be difficult to remain unnoticed if you have other Chavgoblinskills such as Special Brew Rage or Primal Inarticulacy activated. Play around with the options and find out what suits your playing style best.

Frequent Unfortunate Questions about World of Angrie Pixies:

Q: Where do I find the speckled mookie?

A: In the Thrushwood Everglades, near the mokie pit.

Q: What’s better, a level 2 mokie or level 7 mookie firestarter?

A: Depends on your class. If in doubt, go for the mokie every time.

Q: What’s the difference between a mokie and a mookie?

A: Even they can’t tell for sure.

Q: I lost quest item The Will To Live, can I recover it later in the game?

A: Don’t bank on it.

Q: Can a mookie breed with a manky?

A: That’s disgusting.

Q: How many mookies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You’re not taking this seriously, are you?

Q: Where are the furbies?

A: There are no furbies in this game.

The Unfortunate Guide to Maths

All numbers are imaginary

The Unfortunate Guide to Women

Women like a man with confidence, everyone knows that, but what you didn’t know is that women also like a man with a suit of armour. Chicks go for this every time.

Postscript: works best on Chicks From The Distant Past. I’m afraid I got a bit confused as I was researching this entry as the same time as the next one. Try a nice suit, or just nice clothes in general.

The Unfortunate Guide to Time Travel

Time travel, unlikely as it may sound, is actually extremely easy. We do it all the time – moving forwards at least. But to travel back in time… this is a bit trickier.

Though not by any means impossible.

Right, I’m afraid I’m going to have to get technical on you all of a sudden. Here’s my step by step guide to building a time machine:

1. Buy a microwave oven (they are available in some types of shop).

2. Hook it up to your primary node.

3. Fill a microwavable (no metal, remember!) container half full with dilute liquid Time. DO NOT USE Time in gel or powder form, as you will ruin the node for future use.

4. Add some bleach, some engine oil, and the phosporous heads of twenty matches.

5. Stir and place the resulting mixture inside the microwave.

6. Turn on the microwave.

7. Swallow 2000 Mythical Mushrooms and go to your room.

Some trial and error is required to succeed using this method, but if done correctly, you should wake up some time later in fourteenth century France. It is however possible that you will wake up somewhere else, or that you will not wake up.

See above for tips on scoring Chicks From The Distant Past.

The Unfortunate Guide to Mythical Mushrooms

I know of no such things.

The Unfortunate Guide to Shopping

Buy only essentials to gradually accumulate leftover money for luxuries.

The Unfortunate Guide to Goths

‘Death is cool, it’s like, way cooler than… fishing.’

‘I want to be a vampire, because I hate my reflection.’

‘Life is dying slowly.’

‘I’m so happy, I might cut myself while listening to EBM music in the dark.’

If you’ve heard any of your friends make statements like the ones above, it is possible that you have in your social circle at least one genuine Goth. Goths are timid creatures, often hiding behind a dense foliage of metal piercings and coming out only to say something nihilistic, but they can often be found in Goth Nightclubs, in graveyards, or at the bottom of stagnant ponds.

It is a little known fact that because of the Goth love of suicide, most Ghosts are in fact Goths. This is why Ghosts tend to be pale, and the oft mentioned rattling of ghostly chains is in fact caused by phantom body and facial piercings rubbing against each other.

The Unfortunate Guide to Ghosts

There are no such things as ghosts, but there often are.

The Unfortunate Guide to Dolphins

People think dolphins are intelligent, but actually they are only slightly more so than rocks. Most people mistake chirpiness for intelligence – sure, they like to play around, whistle, do somersaults, but so do cheerleaders, and cheerleaders are not generally regarded as intelligent. The other thing about dolphins is that they haven’t done a day’s work in their lives: they enjoy a wallmartesque abundance of variety and choice, and have no natural predators except sharks, which aren’t nearly as scary as they’re cracked up to be. Dolphins have no need of intelligence, instead they have developed chirpiness to combat the mind numbing dullness of their underwater existence. Think about going for a whole lifetime seeing nothing but sand and rocks and jellyfish. You’d need to be chirpy. But not intelligent. Anyway, now you know.

A sample Dolphin Conversaton:

Jolphin the Dolphin: Nice rock!

Rolphin the Dolphin: Yeah! Cool, isn’t it.

Jolphin: Hey!!! I’m going to that place with the cool water!

Rolphin: Cool. That’s so cool! I’m there man!

Jolphin: Let’s do this!!

Roplhin: I love you. I love water. Water is so cool.

Jolphin: I love you too man! Hey, there’s a boat!!!

Rolphin: Let’s swim with it and make some stupid noises!!!

Jolphin: That’s the coolest idea! I’m there man!!!



February 16, 2007

For some reason known only to wikipedia’s random page generator, I ended up reading about professional wrestling the other day. This, as we all know, is the sport that both launches musclebound performers into hollywood stardom and conversely acts as a new lease of life for retired sportsmen and stuntmen. What I didn’t know was that it has its own fairly extensive vocabulary:

These definitions were taken from wikipedia:


André shot, a filming technique used to emphasize or exaggerate the height of wrestlers, either by shooting them with an upward perspective, filming them interacting with someone of average or below-average height, or having one of the participants stand somewhere elevated. This principle is also utilized by using referees who are shorter than the average adult male to enhance the heights of the wrestlers involved in the match. It is named after André the Giant, who often stood on objects during studio interviews to exaggerate his already above-average height.

Cheap pop, when a wrestler (often a face) incites a positive crowd reaction by “kissing up” to the crowd (for example, mentioning the name of the city, or complimenting a local sports team).

Circus, derogatory reference to a promotion’s extensive use of cartoon-type gimmicks. Often used in reference to the World Wrestling Federation during the 1980s and early 1990s, due to gimmicks such as clowns, animal mascots and wrestlers adopting animal-like characteristics.

Flub coverup, when a poorly executed maneuver is called a “variation” or “modified” by the announce team.

No-sell, giving no reaction to another wrestler’s offense or moves.

Hulking Up, when a wrestler begins to come back in a match by no-selling a wrestler’s moves and fights back. Named for Hulk Hogan, who did this in many of his matches in America.

Moondogs, cutoff blue jeans with heavily frayed ends. This term refers to the ring gear worn by the Moondogs tag team.

Vanilla Midget, a term used to describe a short, boring wrestler. Kevin Nash gained infamy with the Internet wrestling community for calling Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, and several other wrestlers this when he was a booker for WCW.

Sandbag, to not cooperate with a throw and acts as dead weight. This makes the moves the wrestler is attempting much harder, if not impossible to pull off. It’s usually done in protest to something the wrestler giving the move has done in the match, such as not protecting his/her opponent or working stiff.

Seven Year Rule the statute of limitations before a finished angle, gimmick, or storyline can be used again without being criticized for re-hashing storylines. This phrase was coined by accomplished manager and promoter Jim Cornette.

Máscara, a Mexican masked wrestler (from the Spanish word for mask)

Daydreaming, a term used to refer to someone lying down for the pin.

Canned Heat, when cheers or boos are pumped into an arena via the sound system or added to a television show in post-production. It is also known as “sweetening the crowd”.

Plenty more in the article, but what wondrous words, eh? I suspect that humanity will never discover them all.