unfortunate guides

February 18, 2007

The Unfortunate Guide To World of Angry Pixies (the popular massively multiplayer roleplaying game)

Upon logging into the game, you will be greeted with a character choice screen; this is where you make the decisions that will affect the class, race and appearence of your character.

Good starting races include the l33telves and the p0wnrangers, both classes have robust ‘that’s gay’ taunt point allocations, though only the elves have the pointy ears that give a +4 bonus in the useful can opening skill. With equal opportunities in mind, Noscocialskillsoft has created the disabled class of wheelchairmage; these characters fulfill a Charlies Angel type roll in battle, handing out tactics to the other classes – not recomended for beginners (a beginner at mmorpg’s is generally someone who is very young or has at some point spoken to a girl).

Spells:

Pixie Maestrom is a good one, though after the spell’s duration ends it is only polite to other gamers to pick the fragments of pixie bone and flesh from the gaming environment (often scattered over the tops of trees, under rocks, in other players’ hair) before you resume your questing. Chavgoblinstealth is another stalwart spell, though it may be difficult to remain unnoticed if you have other Chavgoblinskills such as Special Brew Rage or Primal Inarticulacy activated. Play around with the options and find out what suits your playing style best.

Frequent Unfortunate Questions about World of Angrie Pixies:

Q: Where do I find the speckled mookie?

A: In the Thrushwood Everglades, near the mokie pit.

Q: What’s better, a level 2 mokie or level 7 mookie firestarter?

A: Depends on your class. If in doubt, go for the mokie every time.

Q: What’s the difference between a mokie and a mookie?

A: Even they can’t tell for sure.

Q: I lost quest item The Will To Live, can I recover it later in the game?

A: Don’t bank on it.

Q: Can a mookie breed with a manky?

A: That’s disgusting.

Q: How many mookies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You’re not taking this seriously, are you?

Q: Where are the furbies?

A: There are no furbies in this game.

The Unfortunate Guide to Maths

All numbers are imaginary

The Unfortunate Guide to Women

Women like a man with confidence, everyone knows that, but what you didn’t know is that women also like a man with a suit of armour. Chicks go for this every time.

Postscript: works best on Chicks From The Distant Past. I’m afraid I got a bit confused as I was researching this entry as the same time as the next one. Try a nice suit, or just nice clothes in general.

The Unfortunate Guide to Time Travel

Time travel, unlikely as it may sound, is actually extremely easy. We do it all the time – moving forwards at least. But to travel back in time… this is a bit trickier.

Though not by any means impossible.

Right, I’m afraid I’m going to have to get technical on you all of a sudden. Here’s my step by step guide to building a time machine:

1. Buy a microwave oven (they are available in some types of shop).

2. Hook it up to your primary node.

3. Fill a microwavable (no metal, remember!) container half full with dilute liquid Time. DO NOT USE Time in gel or powder form, as you will ruin the node for future use.

4. Add some bleach, some engine oil, and the phosporous heads of twenty matches.

5. Stir and place the resulting mixture inside the microwave.

6. Turn on the microwave.

7. Swallow 2000 Mythical Mushrooms and go to your room.

Some trial and error is required to succeed using this method, but if done correctly, you should wake up some time later in fourteenth century France. It is however possible that you will wake up somewhere else, or that you will not wake up.

See above for tips on scoring Chicks From The Distant Past.

The Unfortunate Guide to Mythical Mushrooms

I know of no such things.

The Unfortunate Guide to Shopping

Buy only essentials to gradually accumulate leftover money for luxuries.

The Unfortunate Guide to Goths

‘Death is cool, it’s like, way cooler than… fishing.’

‘I want to be a vampire, because I hate my reflection.’

‘Life is dying slowly.’

‘I’m so happy, I might cut myself while listening to EBM music in the dark.’

If you’ve heard any of your friends make statements like the ones above, it is possible that you have in your social circle at least one genuine Goth. Goths are timid creatures, often hiding behind a dense foliage of metal piercings and coming out only to say something nihilistic, but they can often be found in Goth Nightclubs, in graveyards, or at the bottom of stagnant ponds.

It is a little known fact that because of the Goth love of suicide, most Ghosts are in fact Goths. This is why Ghosts tend to be pale, and the oft mentioned rattling of ghostly chains is in fact caused by phantom body and facial piercings rubbing against each other.

The Unfortunate Guide to Ghosts

There are no such things as ghosts, but there often are.

The Unfortunate Guide to Dolphins

People think dolphins are intelligent, but actually they are only slightly more so than rocks. Most people mistake chirpiness for intelligence – sure, they like to play around, whistle, do somersaults, but so do cheerleaders, and cheerleaders are not generally regarded as intelligent. The other thing about dolphins is that they haven’t done a day’s work in their lives: they enjoy a wallmartesque abundance of variety and choice, and have no natural predators except sharks, which aren’t nearly as scary as they’re cracked up to be. Dolphins have no need of intelligence, instead they have developed chirpiness to combat the mind numbing dullness of their underwater existence. Think about going for a whole lifetime seeing nothing but sand and rocks and jellyfish. You’d need to be chirpy. But not intelligent. Anyway, now you know.

A sample Dolphin Conversaton:

Jolphin the Dolphin: Nice rock!

Rolphin the Dolphin: Yeah! Cool, isn’t it.

Jolphin: Hey!!! I’m going to that place with the cool water!

Rolphin: Cool. That’s so cool! I’m there man!

Jolphin: Let’s do this!!

Roplhin: I love you. I love water. Water is so cool.

Jolphin: I love you too man! Hey, there’s a boat!!!

Rolphin: Let’s swim with it and make some stupid noises!!!

Jolphin: That’s the coolest idea! I’m there man!!!

etc

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